We also talk about how to work through the fight or flight response when someone says something that you don’t know how to respond to, and she’s giving us scripts to use.

Don’t forget, I’m on iTunes! You can be one of my kick-ass subscribers. Also, I would be SO GRATEFUL if you took 2 minutes to leave a review. Go here -> click “Reviews and Ratings” and then “Click to Rate”.

Summer:
This episode of eat the rules is brought to you by you on fire you on fire is the online group coaching program that I run that gives you a step by step way of building up your self worth beyond your appearance. With personalized coaching from me incredible community support and lifetime access to the program so that you can get free from body shame and live life on your own terms. Get details on what’s included and sign up for the next cycle at summer innanen.com forward slash you on fire. I’d love to have you in that group. This is eat the rules, a podcast about body image self worth anti dieting and intersectional feminism. I am your host summer Innanen. a professionally trained coach specializing in body image self worth and confidence and the best selling author of body image remix. If you’re ready to break free of societal standards and stop living behind the number on your scale, then you have come to the right place. Welcome to the show.

This is episode 247 and I’m joined by Amy green Smith certified and credentialed life coach and hypnotherapist masterful speaker and personal empowerment expert. We are talking all about how to speak up set boundaries and deal with diet and Body Talk from your friends, family and other people in your life. Amy is giving us scripts to use and how to work through the fight or flight response when someone says something that you don’t know how to respond to. You can find all the links and resources mentioned at summer innanen.com forward slash 247 I want to give a shout out to and something can not only want to try and pronounce it who left this review. This is one of my favorite podcast summers so inspiring and positive. This podcast has really helped me through my body dysmorphia, orthorexia, and exercise addiction, it’s like having a friend reassure you that everything is going to be okay. Thank you so much. And I really really appreciate that. Leaving a review helps others to find this show, you can do so by heading to iTunes search for eat the rules, then click ratings and reviews and click to leave a review or give it a rating. And I just want to say a special thank you to everyone who left a review in the month of October. I really, really appreciate it. I read them all. I’ve got them all in a folder to read on upcoming episodes. You’re all too kind. You’re all way too kind. So I just want to say thank you. It made me feel really, really good. And I really appreciate that you took the time to do that. Don’t forget to subscribe to the show via whatever platform you use to listen to podcasts. And if you need some body image support, get the free 10 Day body confidence makeover at summer innanen.com forward slash freebies with 10 steps to take right now to feel better in your body. If you are a professional who works with people who may also have body image struggles, then get the free body image coaching roadmap for professionals at summer innanen.com forward slash roadmap this episode is so good Amy is an amazing has an amazing ability of like coming up with ways to respond to different people in different situations. And there’s so many helpful scripts in this episode that I’ve already kind of used with people and I know you’re gonna love it. So if you struggle with like, what do I say if my someone mentions my weight or if someone’s talking about their diet? Or if someone makes a statement that I don’t agree with all your answers are in this episode. It’s perfect for the holiday season because you’re going to be around a lot more people, presumably. So let me tell you a little bit about Amy Amy green Smith is a certified and credentialed life coach and hypnotherapist masterful speaker and personal empowerment expert Amy uses her roles as coach, writer, podcaster and speaker to move individuals to a place of radical personal empowerment and self worth. With an acute focus on helping people find their voice she is highly sought after for her uncommon style of irreverence, wisdom and humor, and has been a featured expert and inspired coach magazine and on Fox five San Diego. Amy was previously on the show many years ago for episode 98 If you want to go back and listen to that one as well after this, it was about how to stop being a people pleaser also a really great episode. I am super excited to have her back today. Let’s get started with the show. Hello Amy, welcome to the show.

Amy:
I’m so excited to hang out with you as always.

Summer:
Yeah me too. Me too. And I was thinking like you were on the show but it was long time ago. I should have looked it up I will look it up when I do the actual official intro for this so I can tell people to look on yours. Yeah, but I was before I had my child because I know I for some reason I remember recording and I remember recording it in my office which is now my son’s bedroom. So that’s how I know It was like at least four years ago, if not longer, it would have been longer. Yeah. So anyways, I am excited to have you here because I know that you are, you’re so good at helping people with communication and standing up for themselves and setting boundaries. And with the holidays upon us, I thought it would be a really great idea to get your advice and feedback on some of the different scenarios that I think we all sort of encounter around this time of year, but other times of year as well, but especially around the holidays. So I would love for you to start just like you’re a master at communication. And I would love to talk about like how to approach these conversations and interactions. But what are some overall things to sort of keep in mind when we’re even just considering setting a boundary or speaking up? Like, is there anything that we should just sort of like, keep in mind before we just go ahead and open our mouths and say something?

Amy:
Yes, there are actually a handful of things. One is, I would say, after you listen to kind of the entirety of this episode, I would do this exercise, I would take a piece of paper and have two columns. And then in the left hand column, I want you to forecast all of the possible scenarios, situations, topics that could come up, if a family member always talks about weight, or someone gives you in my situation, I always get a little bit of a hard time because I don’t eat meat, you know, it could be anything. And or it could be even, like politics are things you know, not necessarily related, related to diet culture, but all of the things that you anticipate, and it gives you a little bit of anxiety of how, how am I going to respond to this. And then in the second column, I want you to start creating, these are going to be my responses. So this is what I like to call gearing up. And it’s sort of the antithesis of being caught deer in the headlights where you’re like, oh, that’s super offensive, but I don’t know what to say, you know, and then we usually get really combative and start a fight, or we shrink and hide out and feel really awful about not saying anything, those are the most common responses. So a lot of the stuff that I’ll share with you, it kind of rolls off my tongue because I’m used to it, but you will quite literally have to rehearse it. So once you have your gearing up papers completed and will give you lots of ideas today, you are going to need to stand in front of your mirror and rehearse those over and over and over again, the idea that we just know what to say, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s going to roll off. So we have to start conditioning a new, a new understanding there. Another sort of like blanket concept to know is that it doesn’t matter how far down the wrong path you’ve gone, you can always turn around. So if you’ve gotten into a yelling, screaming match, you can always say, You know what, I think things have gotten a little off the rails, let’s take a timeout, you don’t have to keep doubling down. So when you notice, like holy shit, I’m in a vortex of a ton of passive aggressiveness or yelling and screaming, you can leave. Another thing to know is just because someone asks you a question, it doesn’t mean you have to answer. So if somebody says, you know, oh, my gosh, you’re really going to eat that? Or don’t you think you should lay off on that? Or does some sort of fat shaming behavior does not mean that you have to respond and give them an answer. You can say what I’m eating is not up for discussion, just, you know, period. And we’ll give you some more. But there’s just some kind of overall things. I think a lot of times we think once I’ve heard it once, I should be able to just magically do it. But most of this is practice is genuinely rehearsing it.

Summer:
Yeah. And actually, I was I would love to know, like, from your own personal experience, like Were you always good at this? Or is this something that you like, honed with practice?

Amy;
Oh, no, I’ve always been amazing. No, just kidding. Of course not. No, I definitely have had to, to hone this and learn. In fact, it was kind of my own situation where my mom and I had. So to go back a little bit what I was discussing earlier about how we typically tend to either be super combative, or we run away, that sort of the fight flight showing up. Right? Those are the most common common responses to feeling a sense of threat. I was definitely the fighter. And so I would have these arguments with my mom. And I felt very strongly about what I was my stint what my stance was and what I was trying to convey. But my delivery was what I needed to apologize for. So it wasn’t until I cleaned up so many messages of saying, Hey, Mom, I still I haven’t changed my perspective about X, Y or Z. But how I delivered that to you was not fair and not acceptable. And for that I’m apologizing. I think too often when we get into a situation that’s really emotionally uncomfortable because two people feel very differently about something we want. And again, disproportionately as women, and then even more, so if you’re a part of a marginalized identity, that we feel this need to smooth it over and make sure that everybody’s happy. And and, and so let me take back anything I said, don’t take that how you feel about something, but clean up your mess if your delivery was shitty, you know, those are the things that we can go patch up.

Summer:
Oh, that’s really good to know. Yeah, I’m definitely the fighter. If I’m either, like, depending on the person, I can easily flip into fight. Or if it’s like, if I’m trying to not go into fight, then I just go go into flight, right, like, and I think that, I will admit that. But like, I really struggle in situations where I’m caught off guard. So we’ll, we’ll get to some more specifics. But it’s, it’s good to know that like, you’ve sort of been there, reconditioned yourself.

Amy:
Actually, if you don’t mind, let’s start with caught off guard.

Summer:
Yeah, okay. Sure, yeah,

Amy:
I’ve got a bunch of ideas for that. So, and I want you to just jot these down, and then decide what feels like it’s your voice and literally create a script for yourself, and I would zero in on one. Because if you try to have all of these different responses for when you’re caught off guard or specific scenario, you’ll lose it. So just find one that you like. So what you can do when you’re caught off guard is just say that, okay, wow, that really caught me off guard, I’m going to need to process that a little bit, before I give you a response. Mm hmm. Something like that. Or, Wow, I was not expecting that. I’m gonna need a minute. Before I respond to that, you know, just giving yourself a little bit of time. Or that was not what I expected you to say. I did not see that one coming. And then if you are sort of boiling with anger, or it was immediately offensive, you can say before this erupts, I need to take a minute and just comprehend what I just heard. If you’ll excuse me, and just fucking leave, go to the bathroom, go outside, get some air. But that will mitigate the reaction, right? Like we want to naturally react. So starting off with Wow, starting off with like, Oh, my God, I wasn’t, you know, something like that can be really helpful. And then another skill is to talk slowly, is to breathe and Talk slowly. So you’re just going, I did not expect that comment. Instead of erupting, I’m going to take a minute and process that. And I will circle back with you. Something like that. But even just slowing your cadence slowing your voice helps you not is especially if you tend to be the fight, which can also sound like passive aggressiveness to give yourself just slow it down a little bit. Give yourself a little bit of time to breathe.

Summer:
Yeah, I like that. I love that a lot. Yeah, I love to just like admitting it. Like just being really honest, that you need time. I’m definitely the type of person that needs to process things. Like I’m totally to the person that’s like, you know, the next day, I’ll be like, Oh, I wish I’d said like that, like have like the perfect response. But I always need time to sort of think it through. I’m not always good on the spot with with different things. And so I appreciate that. Yeah, just the advice to like, say that.

Amy:
Yeah. And you can also you can also circle back, I mean, depending on the nature of the relationship, and how if you if you continue to feel unsettled, like let’s say something somebody says is really, really offensive. And because of maybe they they are steeped in diet culture, and maybe it’s just a function of where they’re at in their own journey. They don’t realize how offensive it was to you. You might want to circle back later and just say, hey, I really want to just express to you why I responded the way that I did. And just share with you my perspective, because here’s what we know about communication is that people will not ever make change unless they feel understood. And so if you just immediately launch into this diatribe about how unevolved and how not clear they are about, about women’s bodies, and understanding that we don’t owe anyone health, and we don’t and health also can look a ton of different ways. Like you want to just like take them to school, right? But think if you were on the receiving end, and somebody tried to educate you like that with a bunch of vitriol, you’re you’re sure Spock aren’t gonna be like, Wow, I’ll get right on that. Or Wow. Right you just want to retaliate?

Summer:
Yeah, and I mean, I mean, this is like so much bigger than like the the topic at hand but like this is sort of why you see so much divisiveness and in like our culture and like in In, especially in like social media spaces and stuff, because there is it’s like, I’m just going to spew these facts at you. And unlike studies have shown that like that does not work like that does not, that does not help in terms of understanding at all.

Amy:
That’s right, not to mention that text is about 7% of how we communicate, a majority of how we communicate is our tone of voice, and our body language. And when you, when you eliminate that, from the equation, you eliminate a lot of other things that we use to connect as humans, like the limbic system, like connecting with the emotions of the other person empathy, you know, when we’re just kind of a keyboard, Commando, we don’t have to watch how our words impact someone, so we lose that element of our own humanity, which is why I do suggest, at the very least, if it’s of a really strong importance to you, to at least have a phone call about something doesn’t have to be face to face, it doesn’t have to be like, you can certainly start with writing. However it is, it is far more likely that that will be interpreted through that other person’s story they’ve already made up about you, right. And so if they think you’re always talking down to them, they will read that text or that letter, as though you are talking down to them, it will reinforce that story, they’ll hear it in the tonality that they make up. So I don’t like to say never, or always, but just to know that your communication isn’t getting any favors by being in written form.

Summer:
Okay, so with that point, which is really, really good. I’m curious to know, like what advice you have for someone who is like, frozen by fear in terms of doing that, you know what I mean? Because I think that it’s like, it’s easier to write something and just send it and then not like, kind of separate yourself from it, than it is to like, you know, pick up the phone, which is like a lost art of communication nowadays, but you know, or to have a conversation with someone because it feels so much more vulnerable. So do you have any advice in terms of like how to sort of move past that, you know, that wall that might be in the way or the fear that might come up, if like, you want to have that conversation, but you’re just so afraid to do it 100%

Amy:
First of all, Courage cannot exist without fear. So if you have fear around it, viewing it as an opportunity for courage, or an opportunity for bravery changes things. And I’m not, I think also understanding sort of a meta view of this is really important. I don’t teach people how to speak up for themselves or to have established boundaries, for the fuck of it for some arbitrary personal development exercise. I do it because it’s directly tethered to your self worth to how you view your own worthiness. Because every time you choose to silence yourself, every time you sweep something under the rug, or don’t want to, quote, open up a can of worms, what you are doing is sending a subconscious message to your own mind that your wants, needs, and opinions just don’t matter as much as somebody else’s. And when we do that habitually, throughout the entirety of our life, no wonder we think we’re not enough. No wonder we tolerate bullshit in our marriages. No wonder we don’t go after the promotions that we want. So when I’m talking about this as like, let’s contend with this fear from a place of courage. I’m not doing it just like to make you uncomfortable. Because most of us don’t like this. We’re not taught how to be with uncomfortable emotions. We’re not taught it, we have to learn it as a skill set. And it does take a fierce amount of bravery. So I think first just understanding that, yeah, it’s probably not going to be fun. Neither is picking up dog poop or doing your taxes. But those are also both necessary things to do. The other thing as far as like a practical skill or tactic that you can do is write it out and read it. So you can write it but then it gives you that freedom to control the tonality, which again, the our para verbal skills are a huge element and how we communicate. And then what I suggest that you do is you bring that piece of paper with you either on the phone or in person, and you say, I know this might kind of sound silly that I wrote it down. But this was really important to me to get it right. So I do hope you will indulge me as I read this, like if you say I did this because I value this relationship or I know that I’ve gone off the rails and gotten really vitriolic and screamed and yelled in the past. I want to mitigate that. So I wrote it down because it’s not fair to you for me to scream and yell. So you can always just say, hey, this shit matters to me. That’s why I wrote it down. I wanted to get it right. I wanted to give you the respect that you deserved. And so and then you say my request is you allow me to get through this and then I’m happy to Hear what your perspective is. So being really clear about what your ask is at the top, let me get through this. And then there’s probably another Ask inside the content of, please don’t bring up, please don’t discuss weight with me, please don’t discuss food or dietary choices, please don’t share me share with me your, you know, experience with the scale, or your diet group. I’m not those ears that can hear that for you, you know, so there’s usually another Ask in there somewhere. But at the top of it, it can be just, I would really appreciate it if you would hear me out. And if they interrupt, then you say, again, I’m super happy to hear your perspective, please allow me to to finish. And then I would love to hear what you have to say,

Summer:
yeah, so good. And I really appreciate how you brought it back to self worth. It’s like, I always say to people, it’s like, you know, reinforcing that you matter when you make more difficult choices like this, or when you are doing something that’s really to, you know, protect yourself or stand up for yourself. So it’s amazing how those little actions can make a big difference to the overall, you know, belief system that we’re holding about ourselves.

Amy:
And once you do it just like anything else, it’s like, it literally is like learning a new language. Once you start doing that over and over again, now you have evidence, and you go, Oh, my gosh, remember that one time, I told my aunt what was up about giving me shit about my food or whatever, at Thanksgiving, I have evidence that I’m capable of this, it probably is still going to be scary. It’s still scary for me in certain situations. But I know that the the other option is choosing that I don’t matter as much. And I personally feel like we need more marginalized communities, we need more fat bodies, we might need more disabled bodies, queer bodies standing up and saying, I matter just as fucking much. And you’re going to hear what I have to say. And you’re going to hear my boundary, right. So I also feel like there’s an altruistic like, bigger perspective of like, we’ve got to do this for the daughter. So we’ve got to do this for the marginalized communities to, you know, to start a new precedent of No, everybody matters and deserves to have their voice heard.

Summer:
Yeah, totally, totally. So I would love to get into some more specific scenarios, you know, like with the holidays coming up, and you sort of touched on some of this in the explanation that you just gave, but what’s your advice to someone who is going to be around a family member who has been known to maybe like, you know, make comments about their body size, or the food that they eat? What can we do? And that type of situation? If we know like, we’re gonna have to be around this person?

Amy:
Yeah. So the first thing to know about this is to not take the bait. And when I mean, not take the bait it is we’re not going to start debating the content of whether to use the word obese. If that’s okay or not, we’re not going to get into a big debate, we’re just going to shut that whole conversation down to begin with. Unless that’s what you want to do. You will you want to get into an awesome big debate. I’m guessing in this scenario, that you just want to be left alone, and you want that to not be something that everyone’s talking about. What you need to be aware of to is oftentimes when you do start to establish a boundary, they will make you wrong for it. So it would sound something like this. They make a snide comment. And you say, You know what, to be honest with you, I don’t appreciate you making any comments about my body, and I hope you can refrain from that in the future. Then they say something like, oh, gosh, you’re so sensitive. And then you say, I really don’t appreciate you dismissing my boundary. It’s fine. If you’re uncomfortable with that, but it’s not okay. If you disrespect it. If you’ll excuse me, Hey, so what’s going on with your job? You know, turning talking to somebody else immediately changed the subject, hey, what’s going on with your kid at school? Or, oh, my gosh, did you get that new job, I would love to hear about it. But it’s not engaging the content. It’s not debating if it’s an acceptable thing to say or not, we’re not going to get into too if dieting is okay. We’re not going to talk about sugar. We’re not gonna talk about none of it. Because most of the time when we have those adversarial folks in our life, they want to debate who’s right about the topic. And what we’re doing is saying, I’m not available for this discussion with you, period. Can you think of any other specific things that they’ve they’re saying you’re looking a little heavy in that or you’re looking too skinny? Or, or what, or even changed your hair or anything like that? You can say, You know what, that’s not something that I’m interested in discussing. I do so hope that you can respect that.

Summer:
Mm hmm. Oh, I like that one a lot. Yeah, yeah.

Amy:
It’s that that’s it. But this also applies if you just had a miscarriage or a breakup or a job that just went awry or you’re going through a divorce. are something that you’re not ready to emotionally talk about, or you don’t feel safe with that specific person, you can say, to be honest with you, that’s not something I really want to get into. I truly hope you can respect it. That’s it. Yeah. And then yeah, I’m about them. So tell me what’s going on with you. What’s new? How was the drive over here? Change the subject, they learn very quickly that like, oh, that’s off limits. Because a lot of times too, when we’re seeing folks out holidays, most of the time, it’s not straight up malicious. It’s that people don’t know what else to say, they don’t really know you, they maybe see your shit on Facebook, and then they see you once a year at holidays. And so what do people do? They talk about you looking different. You talk about marriages, and fucking babies. That’s all that that’s all that people talk about. So if God forbid, you’re in your 40s, and you’re single, you’re going to hear about it. Right? So all of the people just don’t know what else to say. So assuming that it’s not coming from a malicious place, I like to call that understandable, but not acceptable. It’s understandable that you feel awkward and you don’t know me. And that’s what you want to say. So I’m going to respond kindly. I’m not going to assume that that’s negative, but I’m going to shut that shut down real quick and say it’s not acceptable.

Summer:
Yeah, yeah. I love that. And so like, let’s take it one step further than like, what if? What if there is, I’m gonna get more specific, like, what if they’re like, but I’m just concerned for your health? You know, because I feel like that’s a big one that comes up, especially with the people that are probably listening to this that I work with. The person kind of pushes they’re like, but I’m just concerned about your health, like, how would you sort of respond in that situation?

Amy:
Again, this depends on if you want, if you want this to be an opportunity for education, or if you want, if you don’t feel safe with that person, and you don’t feel like they have the capacity to genuinely hear you and be open, then I would just shut it down. And I would say something like, I appreciate that, in your mind, that comes from a really great place. But I can tell you that that’s not how it lands. So I would appreciate it if this topic was off limits for us.

Summer:
Yeah, okay. That’s really good. That’s really more.

Amy:
If anything changes on my end, I’ll be sure to let you know. But until then, I’d appreciate it if we didn’t discuss this.

Summer:
Yeah. Yeah. And I guess like, if they’re open to education, that could be like, you know, I’m really, I’ve really been focusing on my well being from like, both my mental and physical health, and I’m not, you know, I’m not engaging in dieting or focusing on my weight anymore. Like, do you want to learn more? And if they say, they do, then you could probably offer something versus like, going right into it, I feel like, we’re so inclined to try to sometimes justify it, like, instead of just like you said, just shutting it down, right? Like, we want to try to justify, like, I’m actually healthy, or I do work out, you know, what I mean? And and when, like, we don’t have to justify our behaviors to anybody,

And this is also goes back to just because someone asks you a question, doesn’t mean you have to answer it, or just because they’re saying My intention is pure, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t cause harm. So you get to decide, this is why when you do your gearing up, you write all of these things down, because you know, that person always says this, or, and I learned this because my husband and myself, we’ve been together 25 years, and we’ve always been very clear that we don’t want children. So people constantly asked me the question of when are you going to have kids? And so instead of getting into a big debate of is that selfish? Is it not sure, who’s gonna take care of it all that and I don’t care about all of that. I will say to them, You know what, that’s not something I felt comfortable discussing. I didn’t answer the question. And then I say, I truly hope that you can respect that. That’s not something I feel comfortable discussing, I truly hope you can understand. And you just say it kindly and nicely, not to be a dick about it. But it’s Affirmative. It’s definitive. We’re not we’re not going there. Now, to go back to the question, but I’m concerned about your health. In that situation, I might, if it is somebody who you think you could invite in, maybe it’s like a cousin you always have been connected to right is to say something like, you know, what, to be honest with you that sort of a framework is, is actually causes a significant amount of harm more than good. And I did not know that myself for many years, if you can empathize. If you can say, hey, there was a time when I was steeped in diet culture, not deliberately saying that, but if you can go, you know, I’ve been learning a lot about that lately. And there’s been some really cool studies that have come out talking about health, not really being relative to body size at all. And oh my gosh, if you only knew about BMI girl, let me tell you about the statistician that came out you know, and you can you can talk about it in that way. But it depends if they’re ready to invite you in and or if they are ready to be invited in and if you feel extremely fragile, and delicate around this, it might be a better idea to just not talk about it with anybody. Because if you’re still grappling with your own healing around this, then it’s probably it’s gonna be harder for you to control your emotional response. Because it’s, you’re going through your own shit. So I would say more often than not, it’s about just saying, Hey, listen, I know that’s coming from a good place. It’s not something I feel comfortable discussing.

Summer:
Mm hmm. Yeah, that’s so true, right? Like, I think it’s so important to assess your emotional bandwidth. And like, what you feel comfortable talking about. I feel like sometimes when I’m working with people, they feel as though they need to sort of know everything, so they can communicate everything to somebody else. And I’m like, you don’t you’re not responsible for like educating other people, like maybe have a resource that you can give them. But don’t put that pressure on yourself to like, be able to explain, like, you know, the origins of the BMI, as you said, right. Like, it’s like, I’ve been doing this work for a really long time. And I still need to look things up. And like, remember from what I’ve read before, because it’s you can’t, especially when you’re talking about something like the nuances of of health, as it intersects with social justice. It’s like, there’s a lot, right? Yeah.

Amy:
And you can also you can talk about both things you can say, I’ve read this really incredible article, or I’ve been following this scowl on Tik Tok, I don’t have it in front of me, can I email it to you? Or can I text it to you later or whatever? Meanwhile, tell me what’s going on in the theater play that you’re a part of right now. Or tell me what what happened with the jewelry business, just change the fucking subject. If you don’t want to do it, you can. But I think it’s important that we acknowledge whatever was said, and then shut it down. So you can move on so that they don’t keep bringing it up or keep testing the waters. So even if if something is said that you find wildly offensive, it could be related to social justice, or diet culture, or anything really, you can quite simply say, You know what, I actually don’t share that opinion. Or, you know what, I actually find that pretty offensive, we certainly don’t need to get into it right now. But I just want to be clear that I don’t share that that same perspective, passed a few weeks pass the whatever, like, I feel a moral and ethical obligation to not allow my silence to make me a liar. So if someone is talking shit on, like, the trans community, or whatever, disabled community, anything, I don’t feel like I have to necessarily educate everybody or get in there and have a big conversation. But I sure as fuck, I’m not going to let them think that I agree, or that I’m complicit. So in those situations, I will say, I don’t share that opinion. Or I have a very different perspective on that. I don’t think this is the time in place to get into it. Pass the peace? Pass. I don’t know if anyone has pizza, Thanksgiving, but pass whatever.

Summer:
Yeah, no, no, that’s so good. I love what you said there just about Yeah, just like you don’t want your site. I can’t remember how exactly you phrase it. But you you don’t want your silence to be like, make you a liar, I think is the way you phrased it. Yeah. Wow, that was really powerful. So good. I’d love to like quickly run through a couple other more specific scenarios. I know a lot of people sort of wonder what to do, like if one of their good friends is dieting, or if they’re, if their partner is, is actively dieting, like, how do you like you want to kind of support your friends at the same time, like you sort of need to protect yourself your own healing. And you also maybe feel like what they’re doing isn’t the greatest? How do you approach that

Amy:
this is not dissimilar to a friend who’s dying to get you into their MLM and wants to sell you a bunch of fucking leggings, or who have different political stance or you have a different religious stance, you believe in a different higher power, it’s not dissimilar to that. So in those situations, what I would suggest if it’s a friend, if it’s a partner, to have a conversation with them outside of a triggering comment, okay? So ask to have a sit down with them and just say, Hey, I wanted to run some stuff by you or I wanted to get your thoughts on something. And here’s here’s what I want to say right? So you’re not in the heat of the moment it’s not like they just said oh my god I’m so this in, like, grabbing their stomach or something. And you’re like, Oh, my God, no, don’t don’t, don’t don’t. So when it’s outside of that scenario, you have a sit down conversation with them and you say, Hey, listen, I know that you’re aware that that I’ve been going through my own stuff related to my health and my size and seeing things in a much different way. And I know that you’re not in that same place. So I don’t expect necessarily you to see all the things my way or for me to see it your way here. Here’s my request, I think because we’re in such different places, it would mean a lot to me. If you would turn to someone else to support you with that journey, I don’t think it’s really fair to either one of us, for me to be the person to be backing you up. Because quite honestly, I think we’re on two completely polar opposite belief systems about it. And I know that it’s not healthy for me to engage in that conversation. And it’s also not fair to you to have someone who, who you’re trying to lean on for support, who thinks you should be doing something differently. So I would try to get ahead of it that way. And I will try to be as specific as possible. But it’s not, it’s not dissimilar to you know, I had a conversation with my mom, and she was telling me stuff about that happened in her childhood. And I said, I’m equipped to carry this, but it’s not fair for me to carry this, right, you need to unpack this with a therapist, I am not the proper support channel. And that’s the same same for somebody in your life, who is who is really committed to their diet journey. In those situations, it’s, I’m not the appropriate party to be the supporting person for this. Imagine if somebody wanted your support in some hunting competition, and you’re a vegan, like, it’s the same sort of thing. It’s like, it’s not appropriate for me to be the support for you because it directly goes against my moral compass and my ethical code. So based off of that, I wanted to just get an understanding between the two of us, so I think it warrants a bigger conversation outside of triggering statements.

Summer:
Mm hmm. Yeah, that’s so true. And I think that that’s so important, right is to like, again, take the pause on that, and then revisit it at a time when you can like really have a thought through. You’ve been so helpful, hear I loved it. I think it’s gonna help so many people. This has been amazing. So where can people find more of you, Amy?

Amy:
Sure. So my little corner of the internet is over at Amy green smith.com. All of those names are spelled in the most basic of ways. Nothing fancy green is just like the color Amy green smith.com. And you’ll find a bunch of freebies I have over there. I’ve been doing a podcast for nine years, myself nine and nine and a half years summer has been on the show. So we’ll link that for you as well. And I have a free obviously the free podcasts and free hypnosis tracks for you some free workbooks. And then like any self respecting Gen X, or I hang out on Instagram the most you can find me. You can under Find me under the handle Amy Greene or Hey, Amy Greene Smith, over on Insta and just come say hi. And your podcast is the boldface truth pods. Right. Right. Yeah, the boldface truth. Yeah, I figured we’re oftentimes responding with bold faced lies. So what would it be like if we responded with the truth instead?

Summer:
Yeah, I love it. Well, I really appreciate everything. And you’re such a pro at this. So it’s been it’s been wonderful having you on to talk about this. Thank you so much, Amy.

Amy:
Oh, you’re so welcome.

Summer:
Anytime, Rock on. I hope you enjoyed that episode as much as I did. I hope you feel empowered to speak up. I hope you feel like you have some tools now especially if you’re like me and you immediately go into fight or flight when people say uncomfortable things. I certainly feel much more equipped now myself. You can find all the links and resources mentioned at summer innanen.com forward slash 247 Thank you so much for being here today. We’re all gone.

I’m Summer Innanen. And I want to thank you for listening today. You can follow me on Instagram and Facebook at summer Innanen. And if you haven’t yet, go to Apple podcasts search eat the rules and subscribe rate and review this show. I would be so grateful. Until next time, rock on.