Don’t forget, I’m on iTunes! You can be one of my kick-ass subscribers. Also, I would be SO GRATEFUL if you took 2 minutes to leave a review. Go here -> click “Reviews and Ratings” and then “Click to Rate”.

Summer:
AITI. Do you know what that stands for? I didn’t. I had to google it. When my friend Vinnie messaged me to say, Hey, do you want to do an AI ta episode with me? No idea what that meant. It means am I the asshole? And apparently, people go and post scenarios that they’ve been in on Reddit. And ask the internet whether or not they’re the castle. So we’re doing a body and diet version in this episode.

This is eat the rules, a podcast about body image self worth, anti dieting and intersectional feminism. I am your host summer Innanen. a professionally trained coach specializing in body image self worth and confidence and the best selling author of body image remix. If you’re ready to break free of societal standards and stop living behind the number on your scale then you have come to the right place. Welcome to the show

this episode of Eat the rules is brought to you by you on fire you on fire is the online group coaching program that I run that gives you a step by step way of building up your self worth beyond your appearance. With personalized coaching for me incredible community support and lifetime access to the program so that you can get free from body shame and live life on your own terms. Get details on what’s included and sign up for the next cycle at summer innanen.com forward slash you on fire. I’d love to have you in that group.

This is episode 291. And I am co hosting with one of my best buddies Vinny welsby. We are going to be reading a itI Am I the Oswal questions that Vinnie sourced on Reddit, and we’re going to be giving our opinion on them. These are all related to weight, and diets. And oh my goodness, there are some really terrible people in this world. That’s what I’ve learned from this assignment. You can find all the links and resources mentioned at summer innanen.com forward slash 291.

I want to give a shout out to I cannot say it’s just a bunch of continents who left this review. My nutrition is recommended one episode about body image and then I couldn’t stop listening to the rest of the series. Summer is insightful and real she gets it. I’ve loved every episode and I love her posts on Instagram too. She explains things and easy to understand ways but gets into the psychological aspects of why we do things. This is a great podcast if you want to learn more about the depths of intuitively eating thank you so much for leaving that review. You can leave a review for this show as well. Go to Apple podcasts search, eat the roles and click ratings and reviews and click to leave a review or give it a rating. You can also grab the free 10 Day body confidence makeover at summer innanen.com. Forward slash freebies with 10 steps to take right now in your body. And if you are a professional who also supports people who have body image struggles, then don’t forget to grab our body image coaching roadmap for providers at summer innanen.com forward slash roadmap. If you can’t remember those links, just go to the body image coach.com And you’ll find everything there.

This is the first new episode I’ve recorded in awhile because I had pre recorded many episodes in 2023 to set myself up so that I wouldn’t have to worry so much about recording new episodes. And I’m glad I did because I have been so sick. And I’ve had so much schoolwork and something just fell off a shelf and I don’t know why because my house seems to be in shambles. And so anyways, I’m glad to be recording again. And I’m hoping st things calm down, although I don’t foresee that for another month. But yeah, just wanted to say hi and I’m glad that I can actually talk without breaking into a coughing fit and sit up straight and be more conscious. So I hope you enjoyed this episode. It was a fun one to record we are live all

Vinny:
right. Okay, so hey summer. Let’s

Summer:
Hi Vinny.

Vinny:
Don’t talk to me God, I was just gonna go on a monologue. You’re, you’re not here to talk it just to listen to me. Now you’re allowed to talk gone then you say hello, whatever you want to say.

Summer:
That’s all I was gonna say. I was gonna just say you need to share your potato recipe with everybody.

Vinny:
Oh, I went around summer’s house on Christmas day and I made potatoes which was put mashed potato on the bottom which had Irish cheddar, and cream salt and pepper, whatever. And then on top was slice like dough for more potatoes with garlic and parmesan, parmesan as you North American say Parmesan, as I would say baked in the oven, so maybe crispy on the top and soft in the middle. Somewhere like that. I liked it. someone’s husband liked it. Some his baby liked it, not baby child. Everyone liked it. And I liked eating your meat. And then other stuff you gave me

Summer:
My beef curtains.

Vinny:
I loved your beef curtains.

Summer:
It was beef. It was really good. It was really really good. No, it was like I would highly recommend that recipe you should share it in your stories with the link.
Vinny:
I’ll share it in the podcast episode show notes. I’ll share it with you today and you can sit you can share it with your people.

Summer:
And you know what’s even better it didn’t give me diarrhea and I’m like really sensitive to dairy but that it didn’t somehow so that’s a win.

Vinny:
Maybe the Irish cheese. You know what maybe it is the Irish cheese. It’s better cheese.

Summer:
It actually it is that’s the only cheese that can eat is like the Kerrygold cheese that I get from Costco.

Vinny:
Anti diarrhea potatoes. Love it. I’m gonna market it like that. Okay.

Summer:
All right, let’s get into this.

Vinny:
So I was telling summer about something called Am I the asshole and summer says, uh, what is that? I’ve never heard of it. And so some of you might not have heard of it. Some of you may have heard of it, and are obsessed like I am. I was watching YouTube videos of people reading Am I the asshole stories are basically what it is on Reddit. The only reason why I would go on to read it is to go on to an IVR. So it’s a thread where people ask was IVR sold in this situation? Or is the other person the asshole? Or were both of us the assholes or were none of us see ourselves and then the Reddit community will decide if you’re the asshole or not. And so there’ll be lots of different posts from lots of different types of people. And when I’m reading people’s responses, a lot of times they’re from people on Reddit and so a lot of times the responses I’m like, I don’t really trust that response because they are clearly a decayed or maybe the people don’t have the same views as summer and I in regards to anti fatness anti diet, all that type of stuff. And there’s a lot of stuff on am I they also about diet stuff and anti fatness and I thought let’s mean some I have a chinwag because I think that you lot the listeners are going to enjoy hearing our perspectives because you’re obsessed with us obviously. say to somebody before making no joke. Obsessive me.

Summer:
Anyway, do you ever chime in on those Reddit threads? Like you read them? Do you ever comment? No. No, okay? You’re just a voyeur.

Vinny:
Sometimes you know what, because I’m so I love these things so much. I follow people reshare posts on Facebook, and also on Instagram. Like one time I made a comment on Instagram. And people like dog piled and was like, Yeah, you can’t say that, like there were disagreeing with me because I was like, oh, it’s not nice to shame someone you know, even if they’re being mean to you about their body, you know? And people were like, yes, it is. We should definitely shame someone who shames someone for their body for their body. And I’m like, No, anyway.

Summer:
Yeah, it’s just not a safe space to ever comment on anything online. I agree. No, I was just curious. I was like, oh, maybe you have like this alternate life where you are a huge Reddit commenter.

Vinny:
I should pretend to be like a man a white man with like a profile picture. And then no one would be disagreeing with my comments. Like, Mr. Wise, yeah.

Summer:
He knows he knows all

Vinny:
yes. So I’ve pulled out a selection of stories. And we’re gonna have a chat about it. And before we do trigger warning about the stories because they’re coming from people who have anti fat pro diet views. So if you’re not in that headspace today, then you know, skip on by, I’m not going to be sharing specific sizes or weights or things around food. I’ll say, you know, I won’t say someone weighs x pounds or say they’re a small fat or they’re not fat or whatever. Anything you want to say about that? No, that’s good. You ready for our first story?

Summer:
I’m so ready.

Vinny:
If you’re feeling comfortable, then we shall begin. Okay, by the way, all the links for these stories will have in the show notes. Okay, so first story, am I the asshole and by the way, you’ll see am I the asshole abbreviated to a ITA? So if you see that that’s what that means. Am I the asshole for telling my daughter in law? She wasn’t invited due to her weight. So initial reaction just from the title versa.

Summer:
Yeah, you’re the asshole.

Vinny:
Obviously, I always like oh, it gets worse though.

Summer:
It gets so much worse. You just get worse.

Vinny:
Let’s read it. Okay, so the story is we have done plenty of things that are not physically taxing. We With her, but even a small stuff she ends up on a bench half the day. We went to a small mall half of the day on the bench. It was window shopping. She is oh word, her ankles are swollen from her weight. The connection between her weight and not walking far without a break is very obvious. I will try to keep this short. I have three girls and we still like to do girl trips for the days might for the day my son got married to a girl named Beth. Now before her first kids she was average waves, quotations, whatever that means. And after it got a lot worse, her only kid is eight years old at this point and she hasn’t lost the weight is bad enough that she needs to she needs constant breaks walking, if I could iro for my eyes to fall out of my head. already. Yeah, I know. I used to like her. And now I don’t to to how she acts. Everywhere we go with her. It’s a constant complaining that she is tired. The last girl’s trip to the mall was spent sitting on a bench half the day since she needed constant breaks. Do you try to leave your go on about abandoning her? It’s annoying. I invited the girls to go to a farm for pumpkin patch and pick some apples. It has big orchards and a ton of walking. We went and it was a great time and some pictures went on Facebook. I got a call from Beth asking why she wasn’t invited. I lied, saying it was just a family trip and she accused me of lying. I had enough and told her the truth. I told her that she wasn’t invited due to her weight that she forces us to stop all the time and it ruins the trips. Most days since we don’t get to do half the stuff. She called me a jerk and hung up. I’m getting texts from my son saying to apologize. But the girls presumably her children are on my side and are sick of having trips ruined since we have to wait for her all the time. So Jesus fucking Christ is that person? The asshole?

Summer:
Yeah. And I actually think she’s sparing the poor daughter in law by not being around her because who would want to be around a person like that?

Vinny:
I know. What’s for me like definitely the asshole. What do you think that the public said? Do you think that they said they’re the asshole or not?

Summer:
I mean, I know because I read it. They don’t think that she’s the asshole. Which is really awful. Because in any other circumstance, like if the person was like old or disabled, then this mother or mother in law would be the asshole. Right. But because it’s fatness people are you know, anti fatness is so normalized. And that people were on her side? On the mother in law side?

Vinny:
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, that’s the first thing I thought like, imagine if it was like, my daughter in law uses a mobility aid. And sometimes she needs a wrist. Oh, will it dekha she’s rubbing off. And then people would be like, Fuck is you like, hello. But because the person is fat? I bet they’re thinking while she could just become thin and not be such a burden on this poor woman that just wants to shop with her girls and not have it ruined by some greedy fat monster that wants to have a break.

Summer:
Yeah, I mean, I think this woman like obviously, the mother in law obviously hates the daughter in law as a person as well, I think because I feel like and you can correct me if I’m wrong. And I also think she hates herself because people who are who don’t hate themselves don’t treat other people like that. But I also think that she just doesn’t like the daughter in law. In addition, and maybe you can’t separate those two things. Maybe the fatness is like all she sees, right. But especially just because of the way that she reacted when the daughter called her about it like that. She was just like, so, you know, cruel about everything that she doesn’t want a relationship with her. Which means she doesn’t want a relationship with her grandson, which means she’s like, even more of an asshole. Yeah.

Vinny:
So what would you say to the people who are like, well, the mother in law is right. She is ruining the trip by having to, quote, sit down for half the day.

Summer:
How was that ruining the trip? Just modify the trip, like just make accommodations for people I don’t understand like, so she needs to sit down. So sit down for a bit and then go do your thing separate for a bit like I don’t understand how that’s ruining the trip. What do you think,

Vinny:
but the mother in law said that the daughter in law says if you try to leave, she will go on about abandoning her. It’s annoying. What do you think about that? I think that the mother in law is probably exaggerating to the extreme like yeah, like go on about abandoning her and has to sit down for half a day and the trip is ruined. Like that seems like is that really what happened? Or was it that she was like, I’m just gonna have a little break I’m gonna sit down and they because the mother on or doesn’t like her. She’s like, Oh, Ah and is is exasperated and see and is exaggerating. And even if he wasn’t exaggerating, it just, to me it sounds suspicious. It’s like, I wonder if the daughter in law had a post, I bet you it’d be very different. Like, my mother in law, like, excludes me from trips. And every time I sit down, she hasn’t got what may or whatever.

Summer:
Yeah, yeah, like I imagine this mother in law. And I’m making huge sweeping assumptions here, but probably has focused a lot of her life around trying to maintain her body or is naturally thin, and therefore holds this like belief of superiority, and therefore, yeah, makes like exaggerations, like this to say, to have people kind of, you know, get her back in the situation.

Vinny:
So the verdict from everyone that we mentioned, is they said that this woman is not the asshole. The top comment said, at the risk of being called fat phobic. Good for you. You’re not the outsole Why should your trips revolve around her? Well, I don’t think they are. Why should you be forced to plan outings that are within your daughter in law’s step limit, because that’s a nice thing to do. Finally, you’re free to only invite your actual daughters to things to you aren’t blocking her from any and all family gatherings? She just got blocked from this one, which I hope is the first of many trips you and your daughters have been putting off for her sake, get out there and see the world like that common is trash.

Summer:
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like it’s terrible, right? Because again, if you put any other label on the person, like mobility aids, or like, it’s my grandmother can’t walk very far. Yeah.

Vinny:
The thing is, like, if you need accommodations, for everything, for anything, you don’t expect that you are able to go to everything, right. So if you whatever accommodations that you need, you know that a lot of places are not able to meet those accommodations, for whatever reason. And so I don’t think the daughter in law is like, you can never do anything without me. And if you do, you know, you’re a terrible person. But it sounded like this was like a family outing that she was just no, not invited to. And so it’s like, say, if you have to make a few accommodations to make sure that daughter in law can come isn’t really that big of a deal. No, like, chill.

Summer:
The other piece of this is the fact that the assumption that her ability is related to her size. Yes. We don’t know why she needs to take breaks. She could have fucking pain for some reason. You know what I mean? Like, it might not have anything to do with her weight is the other piece of it. Or maybe she just needs to take breaks to not be around the mother in law. I mean, that would make sense to me.

Vinny:
God, yeah, and honestly, shopping is fucking tiring. I went to the mall. on Boxing Day. I know what was wrong with me because I am wanting to get this lush sale. If anyone doesn’t know, lush has a sale on Boxing Day. I never knew about this. I got some bugs in amazing lush stuff for half price anyway, and I go to Bath and Bodyworks but I was tired. I was sweating. I sat down I had to go and get a water because like, it’s like a sport. And so if I was doing that all day, I’d be doing exactly what the daughter in law allegedly is doing. Just being a normal human having a little bit of arrest, you know, taking a break. Yeah, because I have a human body and I’m sure people in smaller bodies will be doing the same.

Summer:
Yeah. 100% 100% Yeah, yeah.

Vinny:
So our conclusion what my conclusion is mother in law is Yes. Whoa.

Summer:
100%. Beth, call us. We got your back. Yes.

Vinny:
Oh my goodness. Imagine if that was listening to the show. How amazing. So that was a stamp. Asshole. Okay, story 2am I the asshole for putting my nine year old on a diet and quote, emotionally damaging her. So first reaction just from that summer. What do you reckon?

Summer:
Yeah, yes. Obviously.

Vinny:
Okay, so the story, X meaning x partner 32. Female, they say like the ages and stuff. Sometimes. They use the word female. I don’t like it. But anyway, X 32 female so this person is x and I 34 Male have a nine year old daughter. M is the codename we’re going to call them. We broke up when M was five and I moved away. I would see em in breaks and speak on the phone. So I was involved as I could be. Last year. I moved back. I now have her alternate weeks. I had noticed em starting to put on weight. She’s not Oh word but seeing her in person. I’ve noticed she has a belly, which hangs over her waistband and she wears clothes older than what she He is despite only being nine so the kids night now I spoke to x and she got defensive saying that M eight what she eats X is skinny and healthy and has a sport she goes to twice a week. I asked her about portion sizes and other exercises twice a week for 90 minutes isn’t that much. I was trying to stay friendly but ex shut me down. I know weight gets harder to lose the older you get. So I decided to keep a close eye and do what I could on her weeks with me. I did not put her on a crash diet but I did start using portion control plates and packing Leanne lunches instead of letting her by her food, carrot sticks yogurt flavored steamed chicken breast etc. Am complained at first but then seemed fine with this. I also took her to the gym with me four times a week. My gym has parents and child classes. So the kid is doing now six times a week exercise. The only thing I said to him about it is that we were working to set her up for a future being physically fit and mindful of what she eats. So last week, a kid is having a birthday party and the parents are taking a small group to the movies and after a sleepover. The parents asked me that everyone send their kid with their own snack, and then the parents would buy popcorn on top to share. I’m trying to show my kid that snacks can be healthy. So I sent her with a bag of veggie sticks and hummus. She made a little fuss about not getting candy but seem fine. I dropped her off and X was going to pick her up next day X Tex I had over an X isn’t happy M is upset and won’t look at me. Apparently when they were all sat waiting for the movie kids starting comparing snacks and told the other kids they were going to get fat and unhealthy because their parents gave them those snacks. She said that she had to eat the veggies so she could lose weight. And she wasn’t allowed any popcorn. I never said this. Then at the house after they ordered pizza for the kids and refuse to eat saying she was going to get fat. The parents called X and she came and got her M was crying saying that she was scared if she ate anything bad. She put on weight and everyone would hate her. She told x about our diet and Jim, I hadn’t because it was my weeks and why should I divulge all our plants X rounded saying m always came home tired and refusing to eat. She blames me for giving me a complex when she was healthy, inactive. I said if she was healthy, she wouldn’t have a belly and be bigger than other girls. I said that at least I cared about what the girl puts in her mouth. And she said em was happier before I moved back. Now ex is telling me that she won’t send her back to me if I don’t stop quote emotionally damaging her. So am I the asshole?

Summer:
Yes, this is a really heartbreaking story.

Vinny:
That poor baby, that poor nine year old Why do you think he’s an asshole? Apart from offering his reasons?

Summer:
Because he’s getting or an eating disorder? Pregnant from daddy. Yeah, I mean, I think you’d probably see this too. But like, there’s, I would say, you know, the vast majority of the clients that come to work with me had experiences like this. And you know, 40 years later, they’re still struggling with the same thing because of an incident that happened like this when they were in these younger years where kids are supposed to gain weight, little girls are supposed to gain weight. And even if they even if it was more than maybe what they’re supposed to gain with puberty, like it doesn’t there’s no reason that anyone should ever treat their kid like this.

Vinny:
Yeah, it’s so true. It’s like the origin story for like villains, right is something terrible happened to them, or heroes. And I feel like with most people who and especially with most fat people, their origin story is parent shame them. And actually I was at I was at Fat con, which is a conference for fat people in Seattle this weekend. And I was on the panel and I said, hands up if you have a similar story to mine, and I was saying how my parents fat shamed me as a kid. And everyone’s hand went up apart from one person, I’m sure that one person didn’t hear me or something that you know, or maybe not. But you know, it’s a universal experience of many, many people who end up having eating disorders or who have a fat body. Yeah.

Summer:
And I remember being that age and I remember, like this girl in my class really being bullied for her body and my brother used to really bully me for my body. And I remember like how much of an impact that had and really implanted this like hatred towards and shame of my own body, you know, in fear around it and fear around it being scrutinized. And so I just think that like it’s really really sad because the seed has already been planted for this poor girl. Yeah.

Vinny:
And what do you think about the mum saying she’s not going to let the kid around unless he stops? What did you say emotionally damaging her?

Summer:
Yeah, good. Yeah.

Vinny:
I’m like, fuck yeah, for that, Mum. Thank God that kid has the mum.

Summer:
Yeah, I was actually happy to see the comments on this one in support of the mum and you know, telling the guy that he was an asshole. Like the majority of comments. Were like you’re giving her an eating disorder? Yeah.

Vinny:
So the verdict on that one was asshole. Sorry. And the top comment was, man, your daughter is nine. She’s a little chubby for what you’ve said. And she was crying because she was scared if she ate anything for Christ’s sake, you’re the asshole and you are fucking your daughter’s life. What the actual hell? Do you think that you’re doing? Someone then edit some of you guys got to be kidding. There’s no info about the child being unhealthy. There is no info about medical reasons to get her to lose weight. There is only the original posts of disliking the way the daughter looks because she has a quote barely. Making a nine year old cry and fear of eating is not okay. It will never be okay, and saying oh, you’re just thinking about what’s best for her is bullshit. This is abusive. This is how Bodhi complexes are born.

Summer:
Yeah, the other part of that’s terrible is now this little girl’s viewing anti fatness to her friends to Yes.

Vinny:
And that could be the thing that starts their journey with an eating disorder, disordered eating body image stuff would be like, Oh, that one time that M came and we had popcorn and I felt really ashamed.

Summer:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, everyone needs to read the book, fat talk, if you’re a parent, including this guy, by Virginia School Smith, she talks a lot about this. And she talks a lot about puberty and how kids are going through puberty at earlier ages, and how it’s, it’s normal for a girl to gain 40 to 50 pounds during puberty. And so that’s often the time when parents start to freak out is when they see that rapid body change. And so people need to understand that that’s like normal and healthy and part of proper development, and not something to be feared. And even if the kid was unhealthy or was gaining more weight, that behavior is still just as much coming from an asshole if I’m saying that right.

Vinny:
You know, what I noticed in the comments was people saying, but she’s not actually unhealthy. Or a pediatrician hasn’t told you to put her on a diet or, you know, and I feel like if he had said in the question, she’s definitely fat, like, she’s fat. I think those comments would be different.

Summer:
I think you’re right. Yeah.

Vinny:
Because he said, Oh, she’s got a little belly. And so people are like, well, that’s okay. Because she’s not fat, fat. But if it was like, Oh, she’s like, I don’t know, whatever way you could describe it, then people would be like, you’re probably doing the right thing because the child is going to grow up and end up being fat, fat, fat. Yep.

Summer:
I think you’re probably right, especially given the people who were commenting on the previous story and how anti fat they were so 100%

Vinny:
Yeah, there’s a cognitive dissonance isn’t there? Right? It’s like, people are really like, this is unacceptable. But when it comes to someone who is an adult, or who is bigger than it’s all a sudden fix is definitely acceptable. Like, right, right. I don’t understand. Yeah, yeah. It’s kinda nice. I want to protect kids. But not let’s do it for adults, too.

Summer:
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And it comes back to the same point. It’s like, if the person was disabled, or if they were, you know, like a particular age, you’d be considered an asshole for treating them that way. But because they’re fat that people are like, oh, yeah, no, you can tell them that. Yeah.

Vinny:
I have work to do. Yeah. So my logic is double asshole. Not that’s even a thing. What’s your verdict?

Summer:
Yeah, this guy’s a real real asshole. Like, it makes me really upset actually, because I feel so bad for this kid, just because that damage cannot be undone. That has now, you know, put her on the trajectory, and hopefully her mom can help her get off of it. But I don’t know, once you start on that, and then reinforce it through behaviors. It’s like, it’s a slippery slope, the kids so young,

Vinny:
and this post was actually from four years ago, a lot of times people come back and they’ll tell us an update, but this guy hasn’t told us an update. So probably in 20 years time, there’ll be talking to therapists being like my dad, fuck me up. And, you know, this is what happened. And it’s all because, you know, even though the dad’s an asshole, that kid probably loves their dad. And so those words are going to hold such a big, big weight on that kid’s psyche and mind.

Summer:
Oh, yeah, it’s going to tie into how they perceive themselves as being lovable or not and worthy or not. And it’s all like it’s a whole thing. A piece of baggage she’s just given her.

Vinny:
Yeah, great parenting Papaw does not

Summer:
Eat shit and die. oh my goodness

All right, that was part one. There’s going to be a part two in a couple of weeks that will come out. I wanted to break it up into two episodes because it seems quite long otherwise, you can find the links mentioned in this particular episode at summer innanen.com. Forward slash 291. Thank you so much for being here. Talk to you next time rock on.

I’m Summer Innanen. And I want to thank you for listening today. You can follow me on Instagram and Facebook at summer Innanen. And if you haven’t yet, go to Apple podcasts search eat the rules and subscribe rate and review this show. I would be so grateful. Until next time, rock on.

Summer:
This is eat the rules, a podcast about body image self worth, anti dieting and intersectional feminism. I am your host summer Innanen. a professionally trained coach specializing in body image self worth and confidence and the best selling author of body image remix. If you’re ready to break free of societal standards and stop living behind the number on your scale then you have come to the right place. Welcome to the show

this episode of eat the rules is brought to you by you on fire you on fire is the online group coaching program that I run that gives you a step by step way of building up your self worth beyond your appearance. With personalized coaching from me incredible community support and lifetime access to the program so that you can get free from body shame and live life on your own terms. Get details on what’s included and sign up for the next cycle at summer innanen.com forward slash you on fire. I’d love to have you in that group.

This is episode 292. And it’s another Am I the asshole episode, body and weight edition where I’m co hosting with one of my best buddies Vinnie welsby. We are taking questions from the internet, maybe not questions but scenarios where people have posted on Reddit and said, Hey, I did this thing am I an asshole. And we are giving our opinion and verdict. There’s some really horrible people out there. And some people who maybe are trying, we will discover that today, you can find the links mentioned at summer innanen.com forward slash 292.

I want to give a shout out to Jenny 13 Who left this review. I have been working on these concepts for a long time now. And this podcast really helps me maintain what I’m working towards. And that is a good reminder about why I’m doing the work that I’m doing. It is a very important encouragement in my life. To keep going I highly recommend this podcast whether you are new to these concepts, or further along on your journey. Hey Jenny from Canada, thank you so much. For your listening, I really appreciate you leaving the review. You can leave a review by going to Apple podcasts search for eat the rules, and click ratings and reviews click to leave a review. It only takes a minute, and I greatly appreciate it. I see the reviews in my inbox. It’s always very exciting. Just you know strokes my ego a bit. And you can also subscribe to the show via whatever platform you use. If you want to continue to support it.

You can also grab the free 10 Day body confidence makeover at summer innanen.com. Forward slash freebies with 10 steps to take right now to feel better in your body. And if you’re a provider who helps people with body image, or if they also have body image struggles, that’s what I’m trying to say. Grab our free body image coaching roadmap for professionals at summer innanen.com forward slash roadmap.

In this episode, this is the second part of the previous episode episode 190 Sorry, not 191 to 91 Hello 100 More episodes, and we are going through some more mid acid scenarios. So I want to give a content warning before we start the second part that there is discussions about anti fatness about ableism. So you know, just do whatever you need to do take care of yourself. There’s some horrible people in this world. But hopefully we can you know, be in community here and talk about how awful they are together and feel better as a result. Enjoy the episode.

Vinny:
Okay, so next story. Am I the asshole for embarrassing my friends? Oh, word boyfriend by making him sit on a chair different from everyone else’s at dinner. What’s your initial reaction?

Summer:
I feel like when I read the headline, I was like, Okay, I need to hear the context of the situation because on one hand, it’s like, no, but what’s the context?

Vinny:
Yeah, me too. Apart from there was two red flags for me. One using the O word and also making him sit on the chair.

Summer:
Yes, yeah, that’s so true.

Vinny:
Okay, so here it goes. This happened a few weeks ago, I invited my friends to dinner at my house to celebrate moving into my new house. And my friend Katie asked if she could bring her new boyfriend Dale, so our friend group can finally meet him in person. I said yes, there are two things I have to point out. First, my dining table and chairs are wooden furniture that have been in our family for close to 100 years and have a lot of sentimental value to my family. They used to be at my sister’s house, but she asked me if I can take them since her kids tend to jump on them during mealtime. And she was scared furniture might get damaged. I don’t have kids and I just got a bigger house so I have space. Thus I happily took them second Dale is morbidly Word, just fucking hate that phrase morbidly Oh word. And then she says how big he is. And with the measurements, he wouldn’t be classed as morbidly Oh word he would be classed as a medium large fat. So just some context there. Given that my dining chairs are wooden and old, I didn’t want to risk them not being able to hold Dale’s weight, so I prepared a different sturdier chair for him to sit on. I’ve had a word people sit on my dining chairs before but none as a word as Dale. When Katie saw that I was asking Dell to sit in our chair different from everyone else’s. She got livid and told me that I was embarrassing Dale, I was shocked that she would get upset like that in front of everyone. So I stammered an explanation about how my chairs are old. And I wasn’t sure if they would hold. Katie said that I was being fat phobic, and said that she couldn’t be friends with a person like me. They left immediately while the rest of my friends stayed long enough just to finish dinner. And then we called it a night early. Am I the asshole?

Summer:
Like, yes and no. What do you think?

Vinny:
Yes or no? It sounds like, again, I think we’ve probably got bits of information missing. What was she saying to Dell when she made him sit on the chair. Obviously, this person has got tons of Antifa attitudes, because the way that she’s talking about Dell, like, who’s huge, I’ve never had anyone as as fat as down in my house, and oh my god, he’s just gonna, you know, destroy the place. I like that. That attitude is really unkind. But she did think about not Dale’s comfort, the fact that she didn’t want her furniture broken and and found him an alternative seat. So that was good that she was trying to think of something. But then Katie, the girlfriend got livid and told me that I was embarrassing Dell that’s probably going to embarrass Dale, like, you know, that I feel like that probably made it into a situation. So the fact that she left and said, I don’t want to be friends with you, because you’re fat phobic makes me think we’re missing some information. Because just offering a chair is not fat phobic.

Summer:
Yeah. I also think like what is standing out to me now having heard you read this, to me, again, is the fact that is the poster. I don’t know the gender of the poster. Not that it matters. But the whoever like posted this. They’re more concerned about the chairs than like having like comfortable seating for everybody. You know what I mean? Like if it was written in the context of like, you know what, like, Dale’s coming over, and he’s bigger. And I know that the seating I have isn’t going to support. So I wanted to bring in a chair that would be more comfortable and supportive, like that, to me would read a lot differently. But the it’s really coming from an angle of like, these chairs have been in my family for 100 years. And I don’t want to break. You know what I mean? The framing of it still comes from, like an anti fat place, you know, but I do think it’s good to think about seating and like people’s confer. And perhaps that could have been a conversation that would have been had like before they got there. How would you think that that’s the what what do you think is the best way to approach that?

Vinny:
If I was the op op stands for original poster? If I was the OP, I might have quietly brought Dale when no one else was like listening and just be like, Oh, Dale, by the way, I’ve got this rickety as furniture. And so I found a chair that is I think might work for you. Let me know what you think. Is that okay with you? Or I might say to everyone Oh, hey, everyone, these chairs are like 100 years old. And so I found some other chairs here if you don’t feel comfortable in these raggedy ass chairs, and just made it for everyone to choose if they want to risk breaking 100 year old chairs because I think most people were like, well, I don’t want to sit on your fucking antique chairs. I don’t want to break them because you can only love them more than you love me as a friend. So I’ll just sit on the floor or whatever, you know. Yeah. So there’s ways that you can do that with more like kindness and like, thinking about the way that you asked me about chairs, like you just say when we sit down, is that chair, okay? And like, it’s not a big deal. But imagine if you said to me say we’re in a restaurant and we’ve got a new friend come in, and you said, is that chair, okay? And then the other friend was like, Oh my God, you’re embarrassing Vinny by asking them as a chair. Okay, you’re fat phobic for asking. vinius a chair. Okay. And we’d both be like, you’re the one making the scene.

Summer:
Well, exactly, right. Like if we treat bodies as something to be ashamed of, then we’re just perpetuating anti fatness, but it like depends, right? Because it’s like, Dale obviously knows he’s fat like, you know, but he might not be like fat positive, right? So it would be one of those conversations that you want to have like more discreetly because you don’t know how he feels about it. Whereas with you like, I know you’re comfortable with that and like your fatness. So I don’t, you know, it’s like for me to be like hey or Are you okay with that chair is a conversation I, you know, I know we have open that we would have. Yeah, exactly.

Vinny:
Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So I know this person just sounds like a little bit of a dick. So, you know the fact that that the friend said, I don’t want to be friends with you because you’re fat phobic. I mean, she is fat phobic. I’m guessing it’s a shitty, who knows. The Opie is fat phobic. And I bet you their own anti fat bias has been slipping out in other ways. And this was probably the final straw for Katie. And she’s protecting Dale, but maybe she did it in the wrong way. Yeah.

Summer:
And I think the way that she’s framing it up is like, Oh, I just I was I didn’t want him to sit on the chair and break it. But really, I think there’s something else going on there. So yeah, it’s interesting, because I read it and think that the poster the original post, the OP is a man. Oh, who interesting. I don’t know. Why isn’t that weird how my brain goes to must be a man. I don’t know.

Vinny:
That’s funny. And what was there was something else I was gonna say about this, but it’s escaped from my head. So I can’t remember but I’m sure it’ll come back. So the verdict people said, what do we think some other people said? Because it’s an adult that they’re talking about? Who’s that?

Summer:
I feel like they’re gonna say they’re not an asshole.

Vinny:
Yes, that’s what people said. Not a not an asshole. The top comment says, not not the asshole. Ironically enough, his girlfriend definitely made it worse by making a big stink of it. It’s not like it’s a mystery to anyone that Dale is morbidly Oh word. There’s nothing fat phobic about that. Someone else said My partner is fat. And he and I work as a team to always ensure that he has a sturdy chair. He’d be so embarrassed if he sat in a chair and it broke under him. Literally his worst nightmare, not the asshole. Yeah. And that is it like it literally those like I remember a chair a bench breaking underneath me. And it’s such a core memory because the bench broke. It was rot on Word. And everyone was just there just I was on the floor laughing at me. And like, if that happened to me now, I’d be fucking laughing. But at the time, it was like so shameful, and traumatizing and being like, that was kind of like the final straw. Right? Right. That’s it. I need to get thin because I’m broken furniture over here. But the thing is, a lot of furniture isn’t made for human bodies. Yeah, so I can understand. Kate, you wanting to protect Dale?

Summer:
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. And it would have been awkward if you didn’t have another chair to sit on as well. So it was kind of like a bad situation overall.

Vinny:
Oh, here’s the thing I was gonna say is if you are having someone over to your house, and so she said Dale can come it wasn’t a surprise that Dale was there. And she already knew that Dale had a bigger body. Imagine inviting someone over to your house who you like come over for dinner, and you know that they’re a vegan, and then you make dinner and you’re like, I’ve got beef tips like you made or beef, whatever they were called. And nothing else. You’d be the dickheads because you invited that person. And you might say I hate vegans, like fuck them, not agree with them. But then you didn’t provide any food, any accommodation for that person. Like one time, my dad my dad was a dickhead. And my sister had a boyfriend and he was vegetarian. And so he had him he was around for dinner. I don’t know where this was, I think this was Christmas dinner and my dad just pulled out a jar of sauerkraut and slammed it on the table and said that’s your dinner to my sister’s then boyfriend to say like being really rude and been like, I’ve thought of you and you can just eat some cabbage or whatever sauerkraut is, I think it’s cabbage. Like, is that type of thing of you know, aloe? It’s not like this, you know if you’re going to invite someone at least think a little bit of about accommodating them. But she did. She did because she got a chair. So she dad.

Summer:
but I think she was more concerned about the chairs.

Vinny:
Like I said, do you call such a big house? She she put the chairs in some other room and get some proper furniture not some fucking shit. 100 year old rickety Yes, things. Yeah, exactly. So my final verdict is asshole ish.

Summer:
Like soft launch asshole.

Vinny:
Asshole was an asterix of like, but it’s complicated. Yeah, I would agree with that. The thing is, like most people I always think you know, most people in life are not trying to be assholes. They’re trying to be okay, Rollo. So, Okay, you ready for the last one? Yeah, could be the last one. We could do more if you want whatever you want Nazism. This will be the last one. Okay, so would I be the asshole for imposing a diet on my wife if she wants to travel with me? Okay, so initial reaction.

Summer:
Yeah. Oh my god. Oh, this poor woman, yes.

Vinny:
Okay, story is friends have invited me to Japan to teach ESL English second language. And I’m going to apply through the proper channels this upcoming autumn, I meet any, in fact exceed the qualification. So I’m not worried about that. But I know Japan has a specific culture that looks down upon, oh word people I’ve already seen started to lose weight, and this person has lost some weight. They mentioned how much in preparation because I want to be accepted within what their society desires. My wife can come with me, she can apply for a specific visa to live with their spouse while they work. I want her to come with me. She wants to come with me. But I want her to lose weight with me. And I’m not sure if I’d be the asshole for imposing a diet if she’s to come with me to give an idea and that he talks about his weight. So he’s a small fat person, not really No, I don’t think he’s fat. And she would be a small fat, maybe medium fat person, if I want to tell her if she can get to. And then he mentioned some weight, which is a lot lower. If she gets to this weight by Christmas, I’ll let her go with me. I have some rare control of the situation because I need to sign off on paperwork to allow her to declare me as a spouse in the application. So would I be the asshole? What the fuck? Yes, this guy, I swear. The fact he’s got this, the control thing at the end, I have this rare control where I can lord over my wife that she can come and be with me her husband, unless she decides to become a thin person.

Summer:
Like, what is wrong with people? I want to say I’m shocked. But I know I’m not because I know this happens. But like, why are you even married?

Vinny:
Yeah, yeah. And actually one of the first comments, one of the top comments says, let’s read it. Am I the only one that gets a vibe that he or she doesn’t want her to come? Because he wants to see if he can pick himself up a hot new wife. Yeah, no shit. Yeah. The fact that he’s like, I want to adhere with a Japan’s society desires. It’s like, why? Because you want to pick up people like, Who will you entice with your model?

Summer:
I think this, like this makes him even more of an asshole. But I think he doesn’t want to be made to feel ashamed for having a bigger wife.

Vinny:
Oh, yeah. I hadn’t thought about it like that.

Summer:
It’s his own ego. Like, he doesn’t want to have to wrestle with that. So he’s like, if I can have a socially acceptable size wife, then yeah.

Vinny:
Oh, and that is the like the deep dark fear of so many people that their spouse is secretly kind of ashamed of them, or doesn’t want to be with them. And, and I know, that was my experience I’ve shared on the show before that, for those who listening to summer show is that my last long term boyfriend, we’ve split up like, I don’t know, six years ago, we were together for six years. And he confessed to me that he was less attracted to me because I had put on a nominal amount of weight. And it was like my deepest, darkest fears were coming true. And at that moment, I vow to him that I would become good, and get on a diet and become smaller again. I was always fat when we were dating so and I’d put on like, hardly any weight. So like, fuck this guy. But now Now I’m out of it. And I’m like, wow, he was really struggling with anti fatness and his own self esteem. And when we split up, I said to him, What was that all about? And I was kind of like, getting curious, asking questions. And basically, what he said was that when we go to work functions, I want people to be jealous of me that I have this kind of trophy partner, you know, I want it it’s like Unreal, you know, not human version of a person in order to make me feel better about myself esteem. And I was just like, yeah, thanks for that. Thanks. You know, I you know, I understand your motivations.

Summer:
It’s really common, unfortunately. Yeah. You know, there’s a lot of people out there that will love you unconditionally. And then there’s a lot of people out there that only want a thinner person.

Vinny:
Yeah. And I’ve done whole podcast episodes on this. And so if this is like, if you’re feeling really triggered by this, and you’re like, Oh my God, why is my spouse like this guy and thinking that I should be thinner. Then I’ll link to some Instagram posts or something in the show notes to give us as a resource, but a lot of times to all the times if you use do struggle, so officeteam your partner says I’m attracted to you, we just have to believe that they do. Because a lot of times they are because fat people are fucking a gorgeous, sexy, wonderful humans. And a lot of people are attracted to us well,

Summer:
and physical attraction can be influenced by our environment, right? Like we’re conditioned to find certain bodies physically attractive because of the way that they’ve been presented to us. And that’s something that we can change, like, we can change our perception of bodies and what we find attractive. And so if someone is struggling with that, like if they’re in a relationship and their, you know, their partner’s body has changed, and they’re struggling with attraction, if that’s something that can be changed, that’s not set in stone, but the person has to be willing to face their anti fatness, in order to make that change. And, you know, assuming that there’s still like that emotional connection there between the two people.

Vinny:
Yeah. And that’s the thing is, like, a lot of times, if we do hear, like, I’m not attracted to you, because of your fatness, we hear that’s a me problem. And therefore I need to change versus really, that’s a problem for them to tackle that they’re having this bias dictate their level of love or care or attraction to the person that they own a relationship with. So for my ex, that was a him problem. Like you saw your shit out. And, you know, he ended up going and dating another fat person after me so clearly Froggen likes a bat ease. Yeah, I don’t know if I knew that tail with it. You like five A’s? So deal with it? Some problems going on? Just own it. Yeah, just, I mean, come on, was sexy as far down with that.

Summer:
Yeah, this woman like they were better off not together, in my opinion. Because if he like is thinking this is a good idea, like, to the extent that he went and posted it on a message board, like, wow,

Vinny:
this person did delete the post, but I managed to find the original text. So I think that person was like, Oh, I fucked up because the verdict? Well, actually, no, we don’t know the verdict, but because he deleted the post, but we could still see the comments. The comments were that he’s an asshole.

Summer:
Okay, well, that’s positive. Yeah. That’s one good one. That’s so weird. Now sometimes people are so like, I’m almost surprised, given how anti-fat everybody was on the other post.

Vinny:
So well, let me double check. I’m doubting myself now. Maybe the other comments were like, good for you.

Summer:
But maybe it’s because their perception is like, I feel like it was almost like because in the other situation like with the daughter in law, people, it was like concern for her well being and health, whereas this was like strictly about attraction or achieving a certain size. I don’t know. Yeah.

Vinny:
Oh, someone said, Watch her drop. x pounds. Instantly the amount of pounds that he weighs. Yeah, so she’s gonna. Yeah, and go off Japan or whatever. Yeah, everyone is saying pretty much you’re the asshole. And then some people are saying, there’s fat people in Japan. And then someone says, there definitely is a culture of fat phobia. That’s more of a in Japan. And that’s absolutely true. I know, someone I used to know who lived in Japan. They were from America. And she wasn’t fat. She was maybe what people would say mid size, you know, some not thin, thin, thin, but she wasn’t fat. And she couldn’t find clothes anywhere and people and she had to import them. Basically,

Summer:
I’ve heard that exact same thing. Yeah. And people make over comments. Like, they’ll just comment on your body. Like it’s just a different culture.

Vinny:
So there’s loads of other things as well to consider of like, maybe he was just worried about what the people would say about his wife and he was worried that she would be sad. I don’t don’t think that’s the case.

Summer:
I think he’s more worried about his own perception is that

Vinny:
I’m trying to be generous in spirit towards this guy who’s clearly so

Summer:
yeah, I’m not even giving him any leeway there. I feel like it was entirely about what are people gonna think of me if I have a bigger wife?

Vinny:
Yeah, yeah, well, hopefully he’s this his wife has dropped X amount of pounds which is His body weight from her life because he sounds like a ding dong.

Summer:
Yeah, and hopefully you got food poisoning on the plane or something

Vinny:
I hope that too. Did you hear about the person who shoot on a plane and then plane out to land because the shit was so bad?

Summer:
Was that my husband? No, I’m kidding

Vinny:
I was like they had explosive diarrhea or something and it was rolling down the aisles of the of the plane. Flying is just so awful. I know. I found like that’s the type of thing that would happen to me. We should have put a trigger warning before you said that. Well, that was shit stuff.

Summer:
Yeah. case anyone was eating or something.

Vinny:
Well they’re not eating now if they were eating apologies, they’re like thanks thanks me. I think people who listen to my podcasts are used to me talking about shit so your loved one your people by the way, we have Vinny, Vinny on they talk about shit and pace, and disgusting, disgusting human.

Summer:
Come for the conversations around fat liberation stay for the conversations around shit. Yeah. Freeze right yeah.

Vinny:
Anyways, yes. So funny you mentioned that because when I was on the panel, we were talking about like stupid ways that we were trying to get thin and I was like, oh, is anyone shit themselves? And then the panel host was like, you ask the audience four times as anyone shit themselves and eventually someone’s like, yeah, I shit myself. And we were like, all laughing and I was like, wow, I’m really interested in shit. Like, this is like I should put that on my hobby on my Tinder profile. Like talking about shit,

Summer:
but maybe that’s why we’re friends. Yeah.

Vinny:
Because you love shit. You’re well known shit lover, aren’t you summer?

Summer:
I’m shit positive.

Vinny:
Positivity love it. She put that on your Instagram bio.

Summer:
It probably got a lot more followers than I have.

Vinny:
Yeah. Because we’ve been like, what is this new movement? And you’re like, I just shit everywhere. Just fucking shit on the street. Don’t care. That would be me. Just Own It is ownership. Yes. Well, it’s been fun to talk about the mid asshole. And both be on each other’s shows.

Summer:
Yeah, it was great. I hope that people know that. I don’t know who like, what is the psyche behind someone who thinks I’m going to post. I’m going to ask people if I’m an asshole. Like, I would just never. She’s really mean like, I would almost want to sit down with someone and be like, Why did you post that on there? Like, why do you want random people on the internet to give you an opinion like that is so

Vinny:
They want like, unbiased. So people in their life will be you know, like, if I came to you and it was like I did this? And actually no, you probably would say, No, you’re the asshole if I did do something asshole ish. But probably you would be more supportive of me if I did do something. dickish but then if I put something on the internet saying what a strangest thing. They they don’t know anything about me in the first place. Right?

Summer:
Yeah, that’s why why would you want that feedback though? Like,

Vinny:
Yeah, cuz you know, because then you’d be like, Oh, God, I’m a terrible person. Ya know, because these people think they’re in the right they kind of know that they’re in the right and they want other people to say because a lot of the time they get you’re not the asshole apart from the people who were oblivious. Like these assholes we spoke about today. And they get like a they delete that post. Because they’re like,

Summer:
Oh, well I need to go and explore this thread further. I’ve never I had never even heard of it. So yeah, that was a good one hours of entertainment. Make me feel better about myself. Yeah, exactly right.

Vinny:
Low on self esteem. Just go on. Find all the muscles and like wow, I’m not that much of a dickhead. Yeah.

Summer:
Yeah, that’s a wrap. Okay.

Vinny:
Okay, bye.

Summer:
I hope you enjoy that one as much as I did gives you a glimpse into what our social interaction is like, like if you were having dinner with us. And we act like donkeys. So you can find the links mentioned at summer innanen.com forward slash tonight you to almost golf there. Thank you so much for being here today. You’re really appreciate it. Rock on.

I’m Summer Innanen. And I want to thank you for listening today. You can follow me on Instagram and Facebook at summer Innanen. And if you haven’t yet, go to Apple podcasts search eat the rules and subscribe rate and review this show. I would be so grateful. Until next time, rock on.