5 Ways To Stop Being A People Pleaser

SummerBody Image, Self-Love5 Comments

Last week I said that feeling exceptional comes from ending your desire for validation and seeking alignment with the person you already are.

Validation often comes in the form of being a people pleaser – we get hooked on wanting everyone to accept and like us, so we comprise our authenticity, keeping us stalled in self-deprecation and guilt.

We say yes when we want to say no. We change our appearance to fit in. We go crawling back to the guy who said he would call us back in an hour and it’s been 3 days. We order a salad at lunch instead of the double cheeseburger because we are afraid our new co-workers will perceive us as a pregnant rhinoceros.

We feel like failures when we don’t live up to other’s expectations, we hide our true selves from the world and deny ourselves the ability to connect with people on a deep level.

I recall many moments of gut-wrenching shame that was the result of compromising my values and desires in my attempts to please others.

I’ve learned that in order to march to the tune of my imperfections I needed to break up being a class A people pleaser.

Are you ready to do the same?

Here are 5 ways to abandon your people pleasing tendencies:

#1) Listen to your gut

Shhhhhh… when you turn the volume down on your inner crazy{eyes}, you hear what I like to call your inner heroine – a.k.a. your soul, gut instinct, compassionate sidekick – the voice within you that wants nothing more than for you to be true to yourself.

How often have you gone against your gut instincts in order to please someone else? It never feels good.

We are so good at shutting down our gut instincts to gain approval from other people. Your inner heroine always knows what’s best if you learn to listen and trust her.

#2) Be YOU.

No one can be a better version of you (said someone who I cannot remember… probably Kayne or Hilary Clinton).

There is no other person in the world that is the same as you. How cool is that?!?! Unless we begin to clone ourselves in which case I’d like a mini-me version of myself with t-rex arms and dreadlocks so that we can do a robot dance routine to Rock Me Amadeus.

You are here on this planet to be exactly who you are. Show this world what you’ve got gurl!

#3) Set boundaries and say no.

We cannot be everything to everyone all the time. We need time to tend to our own needs and this requires setting boundaries and saying no.

I have so much respect for women who say no and set boundaries. I used to be the worst at saying no. I would reluctantly say yes to going out at 8pm on a school night and then when Wheel Of Fortune and Jeopardy o’clock rolled around I would want to poison myself with warm shellfish so that I could get the 8-9 hours sleep that this princess needs.

Learning to say no is a practice. The first time feels awkward, uncomfortable, weird…and requires Vaseline…but after that it gets easier.

#4) Put your oxygen mask on first.

As my incredible mom said recently on a spa date, “you cannot look after the ones you love unless you look after yourself.” True dat momsies!!

Self-care is not selfish. It is not a guilty pleasure. It is not reserved for when your kids go away to college. It is the greatest gift you can give yourself to honor and love yourself. 

Without self-care, there is no self-love.

#5) Love your haters.

Look at Donald Trump, he has tons of haters and he is fabulous! I kid.

Not everyone is going to like you and that is what makes us human. When someone doesn’t like you, it doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you. It simply means you are on a different wavelength…riding a different mojo unicorn into the sunset.

There is no need to put on a dog and pony show just to make people you don’t jive with like you. Don’t be afraid to speak your opinion and find friends who love you unconditionally. Haters to the left.

 

 

 

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5 Comments on “5 Ways To Stop Being A People Pleaser”

  1. My biggest challenge with being a people pleaser is asserting my desires or suggesting activities or things to do/eat/go – basically everything lol. Because I always want the OTHER person to be happy with what I suggest or choose. I hope to become more assertive and confident in the future and learn to pay attention to my needs.

    1. I totally understand that Patricia! It takes practice to assert yourself and there will always be some give/take. Try “playing” around with it (I find that’s a more helpful way of looking at it!). xo

  2. Summer,

    First of all, I recently found your podcast and am absolutely loving it. You are SO positive and avoid all the terrible “triggers” that most “health” blog fall privy too, for this reason alone you are my absolute favorite and I am admitting that I have been binge listening to your podcasts!! :) Please keep them coming, I get SO much out of your podcasts, especially when I am feeling down, a little bit of “summer” always gets me back on track

    Until I started listening, I really did think I was the ONLY one experiencing the feelings I feel, but when you speak and your guests relay their stories, I feel like I am in the twilight zone, because most stories are my “own”. So familiar.

    I am working towards NOT being a people pleaser. This has always been my go to. It made me avoid taking care of myself and my needs and in turn lead me down the path of many un-fulfilled relationships, in fact a lot of “dreaded” relationships, because I was in them for all the wrong reasons. I am finally beginning to really trust myself and accept my feelings and decisions and I have stopped seeking approval from others, because I know what is best for me, at least I am working on re-trusting myself again.

    So thank you and keep ’em coming!!

    Diana

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words Diana!! I’m so happy you found me and the other amazing women on my podcast. You are definitely not alone in feeling this way. That’s great that you are working towards not being a people pleaser. It’s a continuous practice and gets easier as time goes on! xoxo

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