Last time I talked about how comparisons come from our need to self-evaluate—how do I measure up—and the reason why we compare is because we live in a comparison culture.

Today I want to give you some practical ways to manage comparisons.

Here are 9 ways to stop comparing yourself to others:

#1: Get curious about the limiting beliefs that are causing you to compare and despair.

Our need to self-evaluate is tied to the limiting beliefs we have about ourselves that are dictated by our doppelgänger. You see someone who looks “fantastic” (or what I like to call “checking all the boxes of of society’s standards of beauty”) and you feel that gut-wrenching feeling of sadness or embarrassment.

Instead of letting the resulting emotional response overtake you, be curious about why you are feeling this way. These moments shed light our limiting beliefs.

Ask yourself, “What is this teaching me about the beliefs I have about myself? That I’m not good enough? That my worth is tied up in my waist size? That I believe if I meet society’s standards of beauty, I’ll be happier?”

Now we have something tangible to work with!

#2: Identify your assumptions… then call bullshit on them.

Assumptions… they are about as trustworthy as the reality of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Assumptions are never to be trusted.

The bottom line is that when we compare and despair, our brain is jumping to conclusions.

Ask yourself, “What am I really thinking about this person? That her life must be so much better than mine? That her life is so perfect that even her tears are made of maple-syrup soaked hundred dollar bills?” You know nothing of what’s really going on in this woman’s life.

Uncover the real assumption, then call it out for what it is: an assumption. When I say assumption, you say bullshit! Assumption! Bullshit! Assumption! Bullshit! You get the idea.

#3: Challenge your beliefs.

We assume that people who are “attractive” experience more joy and happiness. Are certain areas of their life easier? Perhaps. Do they get more attention? Maybe. That doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to having a fulfilling life. When we intertwine a body type with our emotions, we believe we need to manipulate our weight or appearance to experience these feelings.

In order to change your self-image, you have to challenge the beliefs you have about attractiveness and self-worth.

Ask yourself, “Am I buying into the idea that thinner equals happier?” I like to have a little fun with it and say to myself, “Do I really think that if I give more men boners I’ll feel better about myself?” 

As I said in last week’s post “Without a standard of beauty, we wouldn’t be thinking that there was anything wrong with us.”

Challenge that shit! If it’s not contributing to your well-being, buy out of it.

#4: Avoid comparing “down”.

We’ve all done it. We observe someone’s “shortcomings” and feel a sense of superiority or we talk ourselves out of compare and despair by saying something like, “well, she might be hotter, but I have a boyfriend and her only relationship is with her 4 cats and Rabbit Vibrator—score 1 for me! HA!” It’s equally important to avoid comparing down to feel pride.

This is another manifestation of self-evaluations gone awry and can provide us with information on a limited belief we have where we are seeking validation to feel a sense of worth.

#5: Perfection is an aspiration laced in self-loathing.

There will always be someone more beautiful, fitter, younger, smarter and more successful than you. Learning to be cool with your imperfect self is critical to being comfortable with who you are.

Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self— is your comparison the result of holding yourself up to an unrealistic ideal? Again, challenge where this standard comes from (was it created for profit?) and embrace who you are today.

#6: Celebrate all women.

The more we contribute to a “you go woman!” inclusive society that celebrates ALL women and individuality, the less we will feel like we’re not measuring up.

Make a conscious effort to lift up other women and eliminate participation in “OMG, can you believe she {insert gossipy word vomit}” talk.

As Amy Poehler says, “Good for her. Not for me!” Make that your mantra.

#7: You do you.  

Every moment you spend comparing yourself to other women is a moment taken away from focusing on improving your life or the lives of others.

Keep your eyes on your self-improvement and find appreciation for what you have right now. Got legs that help you to walk? Great. Are you at the gym to move your body because it feels good for you? Wonderful. You keep doing you and be grateful for what you have right now.

#8: Find your people.

Many times I hear about women who are socializing with people who make them feel lousy about themselves or who are always one-upping them to bring them down a notch. If your current social networks are perpetuating your limiting beliefs get rid of them.

Spend time with people who love you unconditionally and are not on a quest to prove they are better than you.

#9: COMPASSION! Treat yourself with kindness and respect.

All of these things are useless if you’re not working on flexing your compassion muscles with positive self-talk. Seriously, this is the most important thing you can do… in life probably.

If your best friend was going through this, what would you tell her? Write yourself little notes with these messages, constantly be reminding yourself of these things and put it on repeat!

Lastly, no longer experiencing compare and despair is often one of the last things to dissipate on the path to self-love. And it never goes away completely because that would imply we are androids.

Once we know we’re enough, our need to self-evaluate eases up and thus, so does compare and despair-itis.