I have spidey senses when it comes to seeing the bullshit in our diet obsessed culture and lately I’ve been seeing and hearing many different ads on “how to get your beach body in 21 days”, “melt thigh fat” (which I typically do when I’m reheating chicken thighs), “eat tummy tightening foods” and my favourite (credits to Women’s Health Mag) “get your best butt.”
I’ve been down this road. I know what it’s like to do an 8-week bikini body diet and have firsthand experience with skipping a sushi lunch with coworkers to get an extra workout and packing chopped cucumber and celery in ziploc bags as a post-workout snack (<— don’t do that).
But, through the negativity of obsessively counting calories, I feel like we can find some positives. I think you can really benefit from getting bikini body ready…
Here are my “10 Reasons To Get Bikini Body Ready”:
1. Super chic handcuff marks on your wrists from tying yourself to a chair to avoid the ice cream in the freezer. Your friends will totes think you’re into 50 shades…or some cool new henna wrist tattoo!
2. Spending all the beautiful summer nights pinning butt shaping exercise moves and ketogenic paleo popsicles instead of watching the sunset. Nature is so overrated!!!
3. Being so attached to your My Fitness Pal app that you’re not sure whether that orgasm was from your husband or from meeting your caloric deficit for the third day in a row. Hawt.
4. Your friends hearing all about how ‘you’re being so good and will pass on the Sangria’. Friends love hearing that! They also love it when you talk about how you look like a t-rex in a maxi dress, so you should probably mention that too.
5. Choosing the right filter to document your entire food repertoire on Instagram instead of being a fucking human with actual interests. You can add food stylist to your Tinder profile!
6. The epic battle that happens inside your head when you’re trying to figure out whether or not to eat something… it’s exactly like being in Game Of Thrones! Elaborately braid your hair and dress your dog up like a dragon to really get into character.
7. Having a deep understanding about what it would be like if there was a deadly outbreak because you’ve locked yourself up like a leper to avoid any interaction with the devil: carbs, sugar and alcohol.
8. Knowing exactly how many calories are in every bite of food you eat, including being able to deduct the calories from the kale that stuck between your teeth and the air squat you did when you went pee. That is a resume worthy skill.
9. Getting accused of being a drug dealer because your purse is full of all the supplements you take to ‘get lean’ and a scale to measure your food. How cool would that be?!?! ‘No officer…Kim Kardashian actually endorses this one. And the scale is so I can portion my chicken intake…can’t you see I’m not bikini body ready yet!?!?!? AAHHHHH?!?’
10. Stepping outside in your ‘bikini body’ and realizing it’s the dead of winter because you spent the entire season trying to get your bikini body. No melanoma for you!
Last but not least, you will never know the glorious feeling of giving zero fucks about what anyone else thinks of your body because you are simply enjoying the heat, swimming and owning yourself like a boss.
My formula for getting a bikini body: Put on your bikini. Give zero fucks. Have fun. Werk it. Repeat.
Wouldn’t it be great if we didn’t need a formula at all? That is my hope for the future. And for all you women out there trying to love yourself just as you are, I give you major credit.
PS: This post was inspired by a message I received from Natalie who started a petition to remove the Protein World ads from New York City’s public transportation areas. Show her some support and sign her petition here>>>